Monday, August 06, 2007

An excerpt from the diary of Jasfoup the Demon

A satisfactory day today.

Harold says that I’m mean. That’s a start at least. He swore at me when I swapped the sugar and salt dispensers over and said his tea tasted like the underside of a nun’s bedroll. Swearing is such a petty sin. I’ll have to try harder with him, though his avarice is developing nicely, particularly in regard to his stamp collection.

I did manage to damn three souls today. I say ‘I’ but two of them were actually damned by Harold’s driving. When he cut through that red light I swear that trucker almost had a heart attack. Harold had to do a handbrake turn to miss him and ended up doing forty through the pedestrian precinct. He would have got away with it if that toddler hadn’t dropped his ice-cream on the cobbles. His mother referred to Harold as the son of a Babylonian whore. I wonder what she’d say if she knew that Lilith, the original recipient of the epithet, was really Harold’s aunty.

Harold’s mum was nice when we got there. She still thinks Harold and I are an item and pressed a box of condoms into my hand when Harold went to the toilet. I tried to tell he that it wasn’t like that but she just smiled and patted my arm. She’d made us fairy cakes to go with our tea.

She got a bit flustered when the doorbell rang. Two Jehovah’s Witnesses asked her if she realised that the time of the apocalypse was nigh. She assured them that it wasn’t. Her boyfriend had assured her that there were no plans for it until she’d given birth to another antichrist but since she’d just had a coil fitted so that wasn’t very likely. Did I mention she’s dating my boss?

The JWs weren’t very happy with that. They told her that she was a liar and would be damned to the fires of Hell for all eternity. She called me to the front door and I dropped my mortal disguise for a moment. I’ve never seen Jehovah’s Witnesses cross themselves and pray to Mary before.

When we were getting back into the van to go home, Terry Plank from number 14 asked if I’d got any sweets. I gave him a bag of toffees in exchange for his autograph. It wasn’t cheating or anything. He’s going to be a politician when he grows up so I’m just getting his signature early.

We picked up a balti on the way home. Kali was in the takeaway ordering a take-out for herself and Shiva. She’s lost a bit of weight since I was last in Calcutta; weight watchers is doing her good. She says that the head of an enemy is only 14 points, 16 if he died with honour.

I left him to it. I’m on a double shift tonight because my friend Al-Hasif has a date with Jodie Foster and I offered to do his djinning for him.

Later. X.

4 comments:

Fionamac said...

I do really like this, although some of it doesn't make sense because I can't read it from the begining. Let me know when it's published so I can buy it.

Fiona

leatherdykeuk said...

Thank you.

There isn't actually anything missing, but I can understand the confusion if you're not familiar with the characters.

An Ungodly Child should be out next easter.

liz fenwick said...

You do make me smile :-) Great ppiece of writing!

Jasfoup said...

Thanks, Liz.

He's about to get his own blog, too.