Wednesday, June 02, 2010

The Brawl on the Bowling Boy's Bus

"So let me get this straight." Emily Parkinson QC looked down at the seven men in the dock. "Defendant seven through a table through the window of the Number Seven Offley to Laverstone Omnibus but was actually trying to hit defendant six because defendant six had fallen into him, knocked over his pint and blacked his eye."

"Yes, your honour."

"Defendant six crashed into him because he'd swung at defendant five and missed. He'd taken this action because defendant five had hit him with his wife's handbag."

"Yes, your honour."

"Defendant five hit defendant six because he though he'd called his mother a "spickly flavoured ankle grinder" when in fact it was defendant four referring to defendant three's maiden aunt." The judge leaned forward. "What is a spickly flavoured ankle grinder?"

"Don't know your honour."

"Defendant three prompted the name calling by his enquiry regarding the health and-stroke-or presence of defendant four's testicles, and was provoked into doing so by defendant two making the statement that he "sounded like a little girl"."

"That's right, your honour."

"And this was all provoked by defendant one asking if defendant four had been to see a nimglimmerer."

"Apparently so, your honour."

Judge Parkinson leaned back in her chair. "Very well. Defendant one, have you anything to say in your defence?"

Harold Waterman stood up. "I have, Ma'am. I was merely enquiring after the vicar's health"

"The vicar?"

"Defendant four, Ma'am. Only my business partner's wife is the nimgimmerer and I saw him there."

"And a nimglimmerer is?"

"A doctor of genito-urinary infections."

"A what?"

The barrister for the crown stood. "The lady is a clap doctor, Ma'am."

"Oh!" The judge sat back. "Doctor Frober. She's very good."

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